Why Me?

Tonight, as I snuggled my sweet boy to bed I was completely overcome with emotion as I sang him our nightly lullabies.

Scenes from 2 years ago flashed through my head. I can remember so distinctly the first fetal MRI I had after finding out about Owen's diagnosis. As I lay in the tunnel I had never been more afraid of anything in my life. Afraid of the diagnosis, afraid of hearing the doctors grim prognosis for my baby, afraid for our future.

But while in there, I began to sing to Owen. I could feel his little kicks and wiggles as I became more confident and my voice rose. And as I continued I was completely overcome by a sense of peace. Knowing, that as I poured my heart and soul into those sweet lyrics of Jesus, Lover of My Soul, my Savior was indeed lying right beside me.

Tonight, while snuggling in my bed, I began to sing as Owen drifted off to sleep. After a few minutes, I decided to sing our favorite song. With a trembling voice, I scratched out the words as Owen's eyes locked into mine and didn't move. His eyes penetrated to my soul, once again, affirming the strong connection we've had since before his birth. Tears streamed down my face, as I praised my Savior for this gift of life. How amazing, that just 2 years ago, I lay in an MRI machine, fearing for the life of my growing baby. And now, tonight, I can lay beside this miracle and see my faith before my eyes.

At the beginning of Owen's diagnosis it was so easy to fall into sin and feel sorry for myself. There were days where I was angry with God. If He knew my heart so well, and my strong desire to be a mother, why would He do this to me? Why would he choose to afflict me with such sorrow and pain? What did I do to deserve such affliction? It took a while for me to learn to praise Him through my suffering. To use my walk through this valley for His good. To choose joy in my time of sorrow.

But tonight, I realized something. I'm still asking why me, but for a completely different reason. As I lay with my precious miracle, his sweet hands caressing my face I asked God, why me? Why choose me for this miracle? What did I do to deserve this blessing? Why did you choose me to be so changed and moved by this sweet boy's miracle life? Why did you choose to trust me with this miracle?

I'll never know. But wow, am I glad He chose me. I can't image my life without Owen, and I can't imagine him being any different than the way he was perfectly created.

Thank you again, for your prayers and encouragement leading up to our big day on Tuesday. We are confident of the Lord's hand of provision and guidance for our doctors. Who better to place in charge of Owen's care than The One who so carefully and lovingly created him?

Jesus, you're the lover of my soul,

Jesus, I will never let you go.

You've taken me,

From the miry clay;

Set me feet upon the rock and now I know,

I love you, I need you,

Though my world my fall,

I'll never let you go.

You're my savior,

You're my closest friend.

I will worship you until the very end.

I will worship you until the very end.