It Hurts.

Once again, JJ Heller has found a way to use her words and speak right to my heart.

I recently posted a blog about JJ Heller's song Your Hands and how her lyrics helped carry me through a rocky pregnancy and now help carry me through what seemed to be unanswered prayers that have turned into blessings beyond measure.

On JJ Heller's newest CD, When I'm With You I have found a love song that expresses my heart's unending, totally encompassing love for my son.

The song When I'm With You is a love song written by JJ and her husband describing their love for their daughter, Lucy. The two sing and play together. Words couldn't put together a better love song to sing from my heart to my son.

Here is the song:

When I hold you

In my arms, love
Somethin' changes
It's the strangest feeling

The things that
Use to matter
They don't matter
To me

When I see you
And you're smilin'
How my heart aches
So full it is about to break

You make me believe in love

I could never count all the ways
That you change me, baby
Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue
When I'm with you

When I hear you
And you're cryin'
It resonates, dear
In a place I didn't know was there

You make me believe in love

I could never count all the ways
That you change me, baby
Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue
When I'm with you

Beautiful, baby
You're sweeter than strawberry pie
Just like the morning
Your smile brings the sun that shines

I could never count all the ways
That you change me, baby
Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue
When I'm with you

I could never count all the ways
That you change me, baby
Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue
When I'm with you

My heart literally aches for this boy that I love so much. Sometimes it actually takes my breath away. How in the world is it possible that my sinful self is loved even more by a sinless God? And even to that, He loves my son infinitely more than I do. JJ's lyrics When I see you, And you're smilin', How my heart aches, So full it is about to break bring me to tears each time I hear them. I love Owen so much it hurts.

I have danced to this song with Owen many nights before bedtime. This is one of the sweetest times I spend with my son. Most nights end in tearful worship and praise to a God who has blown me away with His love and gratitude to me. Owen listens so intently with eyes full of life and praise as I sing. It's a precious time that I not only grow close to my son, but also my Savior.

Please continue to keep our family in your prayers. We will soon be starting the blood work up for the beginning stages of the transplant process. Pray that the Lord is preparing Owen's body to accept a new kidney and pray that a donor kidney will be made available. We are praying that it will be The Lord's will for Michael to donate to Owen. Pray for Michael's health and that he will be deemed an acceptable donor.

But above that, pray for a miracle. It's hard not to get "caught up" in all this transplant talk and lose sight of the fact that there is still time for God to intervene. Pray that the Lord will be merciful to Owen. Be bold with us and simply ask God to wake up Owen's kidneys. To restore this little baby's body and make him healthy.

My mom recently shared a verse with me that is one of my new favorites to pray over Owen:

"Is not my word like fire, declares the LORD, and like a hammer that breaks the rock in pieces?"

-Jeremiah 23:29

I declare the word of the Lord over Owen. I speak healing over him in the name of Jesus. By His stripes, Owen is and will be completely healed.

Now then, stand still and see this great thing that The Lord is about to do before your eyes!
-1Sam 12:16

Happy Valentine's Day

Bet you wish this sweet boy was your Valentine, too!

Owen had his check up today at our pediatrician's office.

He now weights 17 lbs 8 oz! (For those keeping count Owen is just a few ounces away from tripling his birth weight. Babies aren't expected to do this until they are a year old!)


We have our monthly check up this week in Cincinnati to check Owen's labs and make sure our dialysis is doing it's job. We will be meeting with the transplant coordinator to discuss questions and when to begin the testing process.

Please pray for guidance as we begin this process. It is our prayer that Michael will be a match for Owen. We are praying now for the transplant to come in the future. Pray for wisdom for our doctors and for the Lord's will to prevail over all.

Hope your having a wonderful Valentine's Day. We will be enjoying ours with a sweet little boy tonight!

Unanswered Prayers

J.J. Heller is one of my favorite singers. Her lyrics are raw and real and her song "Your Hands" brought me to me knees many times during my pregnancy. To know that the hands that shaped this world were not only holding me, but the precious baby growing inside me.

However, the song now resonates differently within my soul. The song starts out declaring of unanswered prayers:

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away.

I have unanswered prayers. This has been a struggle for me on and off since the birth of my son. I truly, honestly believed that Owen's kidneys would work. My time in the hospital before his birth was spent in deep, daily devotion and I have never felt the presence of the Lord so strongly than I did during this time.

His words spoke to my heart daily and gave me strength to persevere through a pregnancy that was thought by many to turn out without a thriving baby. My fears were released and I was confident that the Lord's healing hand was touching sweet Owen's broken kidneys.

But they didn't.

Owen's kidneys are still broken, they don't work and dialysis is supporting his life. Why? Why did I have such faith, such strong beliefs in a God who didn't answer?

Well, God did answer. He is here. Owen is blessed and loved by a God who adores this sweet child.

God was quiet. I have a devotional book called Streams in the Desert. It is geared toward those who are suffering and going through the valleys of life. I. Love. It. Here is an excerpt from today's reading:

God's tender heart must often ache listening to our sad, complaining cries. Our weak, impatient hearts cry out because we fail to see through our tear-blinded, shortsighted eyes that it is for our own sakes that He does not answer at all or that He answers in a way we believe is less than the best. In fact, the silences of Jesus are as eloquent as His words and may be a sign not of His disapproval but of His approval and His way or providing a deeper blessing for you.

Oh how often I cry out to God begging for answers. Why me? Why our family? Why my innocent son? It may be that God is silent. He is building me up for a life in eternity by fully and completely trusting Him. Instead why not ask why not me? Why not my family?

Go ahead God, keep blessing us. "No good thing will be held from those who walk uprightly." Psalm 84:11

It's coming. I believe it. This is a valley, but I will praise my King that I will not fear because His rod and staff will comfort me. Owen is going to be healed. Whether it be through a transplant orchestrated and guided by the hands of God. Or simply by the healing touch of His hands on Owen's kidneys.

Believe with me. Pray with me. Pray that we will continue to see the glory of God through this time. He's not gone, He didn't forget. He's building up a faith in me that can move mountains. I will not offend a Mighty God with my anxious worries. Instead, I will look at my beautiful, blessed son and thank Him for this gift and truly see the blessings in my life.

He's got the whole world in His hands,

He's got the whole world in His hands.

I fear no evil for You are with me,

Strong to deliver, Mighty to Save.

He's got the whole world in His hands.

HAPPY (half) BIRTHDAY!

Owen is half a year old. How did this happen? Where did my tiny, little baby go? Time is flying by. Everyday with Owen is a new adventure and he is learning and growing so fast! Too fast for Mommy.

Owen is doing so great. He is doing more than doctors ever said he would. (Several of them doubted his ability to live). My baby is living proof of a loving, faithful God who still moves mountains! Praise God that He is the same yesterday, today and forever!

So Owen had his 6 months pictures taken this morning by his favorite photographer. (Mommy, of course!)

The plan was for him to wear a sweet little outfit his Daddy wore as baby. Well, Owen is big, really big. And it didn't fit. BUT we still took the pictures. However it wasn't snapped at the bottom or buttoned it the back!

He probably thinks I'm crazy for taking all these pictures, but he always takes it with a smile!

It's possible Owen has begun teething. Everything goes straight to his mouth! And my always happy boy has been a tad fussy in the mornings and night time.

6 month Stats:

Weight: 16.8 lbs ( That's about 6 pounds shy of our transplant weight goal!)

Length: ~25 in (we go for our check up at the end of the month so I'll know more then!)

Sleep: YES! Owen sleeps a lot, partially due the kidney failure. He sleeps generally 10-12 hours a night and takes 2 to 3 naps during the day. Most naps are about an hour or so. But his afternoon nap is usually 2 hours.

Development: Owen has come a long, long way! We are now seeing both OT and PT for help building muscles. His head control is great, he is intentionally reaching for toys and babbling away! He has no interest in rolling. However, he really, really wants to sit up! Our PT said he will likely sit up first, and then roll. He can sit on his own, but leans forward really far and if the slightest winds catches him...he's down for the count. :) Our therapists have said that although Owen is a bit behind developing physically, that cognitively he seems to be right on track. A smart boy, just like his Daddy!


Sweet Owen has endured more in his 6 months of life that many of you, or I will endure in our entire lifetime. And yet, he greets every new day with a smile. Wow, I have a lot to learn from this angel. He is such a happy, content boy. And although he is growing up way too fast, he will always be my baby. The love of a mother is like no other. I just get lost in his blue eyes and captivated by his sweet grin. God has blessed me more than I could ever imagine by letting me take care of His precious child.

I pray that I greet each day with a smile and heart to worship and adore my Savior. He has been so good to me and I will forever praise Him for the gift of life!

Thank you Jesus, for this precious, perfect baby boy!