Drinking from the Cup

"Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" John 18:11

I must admit, when my sinful self read this verse for my morning devotion, I was disappointed that it wasn't going to "speak" to me. HA. I just love it when God smacks me with a big "Hello?? Are you listening? This one's for YOU!"

Honestly, at first glance this verse really meant nothing to me. But then, I read on. "The cup" God has chosen to give me includes suffering. It includes raising a baby with special medical needs. It includes quitting my "dream job" to stay home. (Let it be known: Owen= best boss EVER!). It includes knowing more medical terminology, hospital cut short cuts, and medication dosages then I ever thought possible. But you know what? It includes more blessings that I ever, ever thought possible.

This is where my problem comes with "my cup". There are days, many of them that I don't want it. Not so much for me, but for my son. I don't want him to suffer. I hate it that he is just short of a year old and endured 5 surgeries. I hate it that he didn't have the joy of nursing. I hate it that he is hooked up to a machine 12 hours a day. I hate it that his body isn't "perfect". And then, God speaks to me. Owen is perfect. He is fulfilling the perfect will of the Almighty who carefully and precisely knit his body together, broken kidneys and all. He is doing more work for the Kingdom of God than I could ever have imagined.

There are days when my body literally aches for my baby. The hunger deep down inside me for him to be healed often overtakes me to break down into sobs, pleading with The One to wrap His healing hands around him. To take "this cup" away. But then I realized that I should I pray that my body would ache for "this cup". That my heart and soul would hunger and thirst for His will- not matter what the outcome. But I am selfish. I want a healed baby. But God wants me. All of me. It is a daily struggle to surrender all to Him. To daily lay Owen at the feet of Jesus and let His will prevail in his precious life.

There are also days when my body is so overcome with joy and gratitude that I break into sobs. My praise and worship is often filled with streaming tears. Tears that fall from a heart so grateful for this gift of life. Grateful for this suffering. I can't imagine how things would be different without Owen. And I can't imagine Owen being different. He has shown me the awesome power of our faithful God. I don't know what the next year of Owen's life will look like. I don't know if/when he will need a transplant. I don't know if tomorrow we will wake up to a new baby, with perfectly working kidneys. But I do know that God knows. He's known from well before Owen was conceived. And His plan and "cup" are far better than my plans.

Please continue to be in prayer for Owen. We will be returning to Cincy on August 5 for another extensive testing of his bladder. This will determine whether he should need surgery prior to transplant. We are also working through testing a few dear friends for donation. Please pray for wisdom in our doctor's decision making. Pray that God will lead their thoughts and minds as they discuss the next steps for Owen. Pray that Michael and I will remain steadfast, chasing after God each day. With a future uncertain, we can take comfort in knowing that it is perfectly planned out and we will blessed if we choose to "drink the cup the Father has given me."

Great faith is exhibited not so much in doing as in suffering.
                                                          -Charles Parkhurst