It Hurts.

Once again, JJ Heller has found a way to use her words and speak right to my heart.

I recently posted a blog about JJ Heller's song Your Hands and how her lyrics helped carry me through a rocky pregnancy and now help carry me through what seemed to be unanswered prayers that have turned into blessings beyond measure.

On JJ Heller's newest CD, When I'm With You I have found a love song that expresses my heart's unending, totally encompassing love for my son.

The song When I'm With You is a love song written by JJ and her husband describing their love for their daughter, Lucy. The two sing and play together. Words couldn't put together a better love song to sing from my heart to my son.

Here is the song:

When I hold you

In my arms, love
Somethin' changes
It's the strangest feeling

The things that
Use to matter
They don't matter
To me

When I see you
And you're smilin'
How my heart aches
So full it is about to break

You make me believe in love

I could never count all the ways
That you change me, baby
Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue
When I'm with you

When I hear you
And you're cryin'
It resonates, dear
In a place I didn't know was there

You make me believe in love

I could never count all the ways
That you change me, baby
Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue
When I'm with you

Beautiful, baby
You're sweeter than strawberry pie
Just like the morning
Your smile brings the sun that shines

I could never count all the ways
That you change me, baby
Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue
When I'm with you

I could never count all the ways
That you change me, baby
Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue
When I'm with you

My heart literally aches for this boy that I love so much. Sometimes it actually takes my breath away. How in the world is it possible that my sinful self is loved even more by a sinless God? And even to that, He loves my son infinitely more than I do. JJ's lyrics When I see you, And you're smilin', How my heart aches, So full it is about to break bring me to tears each time I hear them. I love Owen so much it hurts.

I have danced to this song with Owen many nights before bedtime. This is one of the sweetest times I spend with my son. Most nights end in tearful worship and praise to a God who has blown me away with His love and gratitude to me. Owen listens so intently with eyes full of life and praise as I sing. It's a precious time that I not only grow close to my son, but also my Savior.

Please continue to keep our family in your prayers. We will soon be starting the blood work up for the beginning stages of the transplant process. Pray that the Lord is preparing Owen's body to accept a new kidney and pray that a donor kidney will be made available. We are praying that it will be The Lord's will for Michael to donate to Owen. Pray for Michael's health and that he will be deemed an acceptable donor.

But above that, pray for a miracle. It's hard not to get "caught up" in all this transplant talk and lose sight of the fact that there is still time for God to intervene. Pray that the Lord will be merciful to Owen. Be bold with us and simply ask God to wake up Owen's kidneys. To restore this little baby's body and make him healthy.

My mom recently shared a verse with me that is one of my new favorites to pray over Owen:

"Is not my word like fire, declares the LORD, and like a hammer that breaks the rock in pieces?"

-Jeremiah 23:29

I declare the word of the Lord over Owen. I speak healing over him in the name of Jesus. By His stripes, Owen is and will be completely healed.

Now then, stand still and see this great thing that The Lord is about to do before your eyes!
-1Sam 12:16

Happy Valentine's Day

Bet you wish this sweet boy was your Valentine, too!

Owen had his check up today at our pediatrician's office.

He now weights 17 lbs 8 oz! (For those keeping count Owen is just a few ounces away from tripling his birth weight. Babies aren't expected to do this until they are a year old!)


We have our monthly check up this week in Cincinnati to check Owen's labs and make sure our dialysis is doing it's job. We will be meeting with the transplant coordinator to discuss questions and when to begin the testing process.

Please pray for guidance as we begin this process. It is our prayer that Michael will be a match for Owen. We are praying now for the transplant to come in the future. Pray for wisdom for our doctors and for the Lord's will to prevail over all.

Hope your having a wonderful Valentine's Day. We will be enjoying ours with a sweet little boy tonight!

Unanswered Prayers

J.J. Heller is one of my favorite singers. Her lyrics are raw and real and her song "Your Hands" brought me to me knees many times during my pregnancy. To know that the hands that shaped this world were not only holding me, but the precious baby growing inside me.

However, the song now resonates differently within my soul. The song starts out declaring of unanswered prayers:

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away.

I have unanswered prayers. This has been a struggle for me on and off since the birth of my son. I truly, honestly believed that Owen's kidneys would work. My time in the hospital before his birth was spent in deep, daily devotion and I have never felt the presence of the Lord so strongly than I did during this time.

His words spoke to my heart daily and gave me strength to persevere through a pregnancy that was thought by many to turn out without a thriving baby. My fears were released and I was confident that the Lord's healing hand was touching sweet Owen's broken kidneys.

But they didn't.

Owen's kidneys are still broken, they don't work and dialysis is supporting his life. Why? Why did I have such faith, such strong beliefs in a God who didn't answer?

Well, God did answer. He is here. Owen is blessed and loved by a God who adores this sweet child.

God was quiet. I have a devotional book called Streams in the Desert. It is geared toward those who are suffering and going through the valleys of life. I. Love. It. Here is an excerpt from today's reading:

God's tender heart must often ache listening to our sad, complaining cries. Our weak, impatient hearts cry out because we fail to see through our tear-blinded, shortsighted eyes that it is for our own sakes that He does not answer at all or that He answers in a way we believe is less than the best. In fact, the silences of Jesus are as eloquent as His words and may be a sign not of His disapproval but of His approval and His way or providing a deeper blessing for you.

Oh how often I cry out to God begging for answers. Why me? Why our family? Why my innocent son? It may be that God is silent. He is building me up for a life in eternity by fully and completely trusting Him. Instead why not ask why not me? Why not my family?

Go ahead God, keep blessing us. "No good thing will be held from those who walk uprightly." Psalm 84:11

It's coming. I believe it. This is a valley, but I will praise my King that I will not fear because His rod and staff will comfort me. Owen is going to be healed. Whether it be through a transplant orchestrated and guided by the hands of God. Or simply by the healing touch of His hands on Owen's kidneys.

Believe with me. Pray with me. Pray that we will continue to see the glory of God through this time. He's not gone, He didn't forget. He's building up a faith in me that can move mountains. I will not offend a Mighty God with my anxious worries. Instead, I will look at my beautiful, blessed son and thank Him for this gift and truly see the blessings in my life.

He's got the whole world in His hands,

He's got the whole world in His hands.

I fear no evil for You are with me,

Strong to deliver, Mighty to Save.

He's got the whole world in His hands.

HAPPY (half) BIRTHDAY!

Owen is half a year old. How did this happen? Where did my tiny, little baby go? Time is flying by. Everyday with Owen is a new adventure and he is learning and growing so fast! Too fast for Mommy.

Owen is doing so great. He is doing more than doctors ever said he would. (Several of them doubted his ability to live). My baby is living proof of a loving, faithful God who still moves mountains! Praise God that He is the same yesterday, today and forever!

So Owen had his 6 months pictures taken this morning by his favorite photographer. (Mommy, of course!)

The plan was for him to wear a sweet little outfit his Daddy wore as baby. Well, Owen is big, really big. And it didn't fit. BUT we still took the pictures. However it wasn't snapped at the bottom or buttoned it the back!

He probably thinks I'm crazy for taking all these pictures, but he always takes it with a smile!

It's possible Owen has begun teething. Everything goes straight to his mouth! And my always happy boy has been a tad fussy in the mornings and night time.

6 month Stats:

Weight: 16.8 lbs ( That's about 6 pounds shy of our transplant weight goal!)

Length: ~25 in (we go for our check up at the end of the month so I'll know more then!)

Sleep: YES! Owen sleeps a lot, partially due the kidney failure. He sleeps generally 10-12 hours a night and takes 2 to 3 naps during the day. Most naps are about an hour or so. But his afternoon nap is usually 2 hours.

Development: Owen has come a long, long way! We are now seeing both OT and PT for help building muscles. His head control is great, he is intentionally reaching for toys and babbling away! He has no interest in rolling. However, he really, really wants to sit up! Our PT said he will likely sit up first, and then roll. He can sit on his own, but leans forward really far and if the slightest winds catches him...he's down for the count. :) Our therapists have said that although Owen is a bit behind developing physically, that cognitively he seems to be right on track. A smart boy, just like his Daddy!


Sweet Owen has endured more in his 6 months of life that many of you, or I will endure in our entire lifetime. And yet, he greets every new day with a smile. Wow, I have a lot to learn from this angel. He is such a happy, content boy. And although he is growing up way too fast, he will always be my baby. The love of a mother is like no other. I just get lost in his blue eyes and captivated by his sweet grin. God has blessed me more than I could ever imagine by letting me take care of His precious child.

I pray that I greet each day with a smile and heart to worship and adore my Savior. He has been so good to me and I will forever praise Him for the gift of life!

Thank you Jesus, for this precious, perfect baby boy!

Got Pee-Pee?

Got pee? Owen does!

You may find it odd that I am posting about my son's urine. Well, as you may or may not know, Owen's kidney failure is a result of a blockage in his bladder that originated during fetal development. So not only does he have major kidney issues, but also bladder and urinary tract issues.

Owen is on a medicine to "paralyze" his bladder. It was so stressed and over worked in utero that it became very thick and enlarged. We were told that Owen would likely never urinate on his own. We currently catheterize him in the morning and night to get what urine he makes out of his bladder. During his night time cath we do a "bladder irrigation" in which we hook up a syringe to the end of the catheter and flush in an antibiotic to stay in his bladder over night. This will help prevent urinary tract infections. When we cath him in the morning we get out the antibiotic. Or so this was the plan...

Until Owen decided he would pee-pee on his own! Owen has been having wet diapers and going potty on his own, especially in the bath tub. :)

Tonight after our night time cath Owen decided he didn't want the antibiotic in him so...he peed. All over Mommy and the bed.!

Oops! Sorry Mommy!

The evidence...who would have thought I would ever be so excited to have my son pee on me? :)

So tonight we are praising God for once again, doing what we were told could be impossible. I can't wait to tell our urologist that Owen pees on his own..even with a "paralyzed" bladder!

Luke 18:27
"What is impossible with man is possible with God."

What a blessing it is to play with this silly boy all day! :)

Two Gold Stars and Some Taste Testing...

On Friday we made the snow covered trek back up to Cincinnati for two doctors appointments. Pops (my Dad) was gracious enough to plow the roads in his big truck and accompany us on our visit! One appointment was with an orthopedic doctor (bones) and the other with our nephrologist for our monthly dialysis check up. It was a long, long day but sweet Owen was such a trooper. Not to mention he slept until after 9am two days in a row! :)

Our first appointment was with orthopedics. When I was pregnant with Owen, I has lost all amniotic fluid by about 27 weeks. This not only causes issues with lung development, but also with babies' bone development. Owen was very smushed, almost like being wrapped in Saran wrap. Because of this, many babies develop club feet, or an abbreviated version of club feet. Since birth, Owen's feet have been turned in. This is when we coined his "monkey feet" labeling. The turning in has been improving with time, working with PT and OT and finally being able to bear weight on them! Orotho had done x-rays of Owen's feet when he was in the hospital and this was a follow up visit from that.

We are so thankful to say the doctors found NO EVIDENCE OF CLUB FEET!

Yay! They were very impressed with Owen's range of motion and said when the time comes, he should have NO trouble walking. :)

At this appointment I also asked about a helmet for him. Not because he is cruising through our house or anything...because he has quite the flat head in the back! Our doctor was very firm in letting me know that the research he has done does not prove the necessity for a helmet. He said with or without a helmet his head will round out on its own. Also, Owen is just now starting to do more activities that don't require him to lay flat on his back. So no helmet for us, yay!

Our second appointment was with our wonderful nephrologists to check up on our dialysis. After a lengthy blood draw.....Owen's labs look great! :) They made no changes to meds or his dialysis prescription.

There was one change though....Owen's calorie intake. Basically, Owen is fat. haha (For those that know me well, you know I have always been obsessed with fat babies and always wanted one!) We are going to be cutting back on the number of extra calories added to Owen's milk. He is still getting strictly breast milk (Thank you to those that prayed for my pumping...I think I could open a milk store now!) with added protein and formula for extra calories. Apparently kidney babies usually have difficultly gaining weight....hmmm...not us! So basically instead of 2 Tbs we are doing 2 teaspoons.

Praise God Owen is growing and gaining weight! I love that our only "issue" was the fact he is growing so well! Owen's length is not moving as quickly as his weight. This is very common for kidney babies, as many actually go on the growth hormone shots. At this time Owen's growth is steady enough that he does not qualify. If at a time he does, it will be something to discuss. We need all the extra room we can get to hold that kidney!

So that was two visits and two gold stars...Way to Go, Owen!

Owen and Pops. Even after a very LONG day in Cinci Owen was still smiling!

Now on to some taste testing....

Owen has been given the "go ahead" to start eating solids! It's still a little bit early. Our doctors said 4-6 months is the range to start, with 4 being a bit early. Owen will be 6 months old at the beginning of February, but his age is "adjusted" 6 weeks for being a premie. We have to be very careful with what we feed Owen. Potassium is filtered through your kidneys and if it gets too high serious problems can occur. So no bananas, prunes or squash here!

Right now we are just trying cereal. This is really just meant to be for a fun experience for Owen. He will still need all his milk and we will continue to increase the amount of milk he gets. Although he is not orally aversive, he will not take all his nutrition by mouth. Many babies like Owen have severe oral aversions and gag when anything is put near their mouth. We are so blessed that Owen loves putting things in his mouth!

So the cereal went okay. It was only our first time. I think we recycled a lot of it, as it kept coming back out...but we will try again!

He wasn't too sure what this new stuff was at first...

But it couldn't stop him from sharing that sweet grin!

So we will be trying cereal for awhile and then moving on to green beans and carrots. Oh yummy!

Thanks for all the prayers for Owen. His development is impressing all his doctors. Our prayer has always been that The Lord would make the doctors be in awe of His great works. He has been doing this since day one!

Our doctors are starting to talk about doing some transplant testing. If all goes well and Owen continues to grow so well it looks like transplant will be before he is 2 years old! Please be in prayers that God's hand is just covering this process. He already has the day planned and donor ready, and I pray we follow His lead. Please pray the Lord is preparing the donor (hopefully Michael) and preparing Owen's body.

Psalm 27:13 "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

Warning: Your cheeks will hurt after watching this!

About a month ago Owen started laughing. Literally the sweetest sound I have ever heard! I can't tell you how many times I've cried listening to this sweet boy be so happy! It's so nice to see him happy and enjoying life. He is after all, a miracle! Once Michael and I heard that sweet laugh we would do just about anything to hear it! From singing silly songs, making faces, funny noises, tickling-you name it, we tried it! I think he secretly like making us look so silly!

Here is the first video we made of Owen and his sweet laugh!

THEN....Owen discovered the belly laugh. Oh, there is just nothing like hearing a happy baby! Since Owen is a bit developmentally behind (partially from being in the hospital for 3 months and partially from the kidney failure) he had not built enough muscle to "stand" as other babies do at his age. His muscle tone is very weak, but we just started physical therapy and I think it's working! Right before bath time I was playing with him and just stood him up to see what he would do. Well, did I get the biggest surprise...a huge, sweet, giggly, laugh! He was just so proud of himself! :) So then we started bouncing...and I'll just let you watch the reaction. :)

I told you your cheeks would hurt...all that smiling! :)

Thank you for all your prayers for Owen. It's so nice to see him so happy and developing so well. It's hard to believe that just a few months ago my heart was aching and I was in so much pain, hurting for the life growing inside me. Many, many times I cried out to God, weeping and begging for His faithfulness to be poured over Owen. It is with great joy that I can see His faithfulness each day in the eyes of my precious son. I have come to understand that God ordained and planned my suffering. He wanted to bless me. My eyes have been opened to His Glory and his name will forever be on my lips as I fall to my knees each day to thank Him for His faithfulness and love.

Psalm 27:14

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!