More than I can handle....

Owen had a wonderful check up on Friday in Cincy. Most of his labs are looking good. (Good, that is for kidney failure!) One of his labs, PTH (it's a hormone level) is still quite high. He has been on a medication for 2 months now to bring it down. This level must be lower before we can start daily growth hormone injections. Unfortunately, this can only be given by mouth, and Owen is not guaranteed to swallow! The medicine adheres to the tube if not given by mouth. We are taking a chance this month and putting it into his entire bottle with hopes it will be diluted enough to not sick, and start bringing that big number down!

We will be returning in July for our "big" urology appointment. We will be doing more bladder testing and hopefully find out if a bladder surgery will be needed in the future before transplant. Please continue to be in prayer that the increased dose of medication for his bladder has been letting it relax enough that an extra surgery will not be needed.

Thank you for your prayers for Owen. As so many of you are constantly interceding on behalf of him. I can honestly say that as his first year of life approaches, I can look back and say that we would not have survived this without the help of so many prayers from family, friends, and even strangers. I've noticed that in times of suffering and crisis you often hear people say "God will never give you more than you can handle." I have come to the conclusion that is a lie. God has absolutely, positively given me more than I can bear or handle- without Him. Walking in this valley of suffering has forced me to turn to Him. To daily lay Owen at the feet of Jesus and pray that the Blood of the Lamb wash over him. To constantly die to myself and bear this cross in a spirit of grace and thankfulness for the gift I so do not deserve.

My marriage would not have survived this had the Lord not intervened. Of course, Michael and I are closer than I believe we ever would have been had we not suffered together, in the name of Jesus. We aren't weathering this storm as a couple, but as a team, with our eyes focused on pleasing the Lord. God gave us more than our marriage could handle. And sadly, it is through times of suffering that many marriages often crumble. This has made us stronger. It is by the grace of God that He blessed us with faith and perseverance to stand firm in our faith in Him, but to constantly be strengthening each other as well. Michael has risen to become not only the leader and provider for our family, but a strong fortress of protection for those many weary nights I've had. Praise God that He chose us to bear this load, for my marriage has deepened its roots in His truth and love and grown to be a relationship not just of love, but honest, true friendship and complete understanding of each other.

The book of James is easily one of my favorite books of the Bible. And what encouragement I can find within the first verses of the first chapter:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. James 1:2-8

I should admit, I've read this passage many, many times. And it didn't hit me until recently: He's not finished. Or more accurately: I'm not finished. It clearly states that through my suffering, perseverance will be developed. I've shared before that I had full confidence that upon Owen's birth he would be miraculously healed. When he wasn't, it was very difficult not to question God, and to become impatient when things didn't go as I had planned. Little did I know, the great work that God was doing and is still doing in my heart. God has challenged me and strengthened me, but hes not finished yet. One day, I'll know,and I'll understand. But it likely won't be during my time on this earth. His word even says that I am not capable of comprehending or understanding His ways. And you know what? That's okay, because if I was in charge I'm quite certain things would fall apart.

In fact, Jesus is quoted in John saying, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." John 13:7. Praise God that one day, I'll see this plan. This wonderful plan that was developed long before I took a breath of air. This plan that, will bring glory to God and further His kingdom. This plan, that should I choose to follow the will of the Lord will prepare my heart for eternity with Him.

I don't know why this was chosen for Owen, or for us. But I will rejoice in this suffering and choose to let God work in me. It's a daily struggle, and I would switch places with Owen in the blink of an eye. But in the end, it's not about Owen, or me, or my marriage. It's about glorifying the One who has knit every cell in Owen's body and who loves him more than I could ever, ever love him. The One who shall be praised for His good works when both walking through valleys and soaring on mountain tops.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5